TALK & SUPPORT: TEENAGERS

At this age, most children have come into contact with pornography in some way. You can ask your teenager if they’ve come into contact with pornography, where they saw it and how they felt about it. Talk about the fact that what you see in mainstream pornography isn’t sex because, among other things, pornography rarely shows consent. Pornography often contains various types of violence against girls that can hurt and injure them both physically and psychologically. It often involves “gagging”, strangulation and hard anal penetration without any preparation. Tell your child that a lot of the people taking part in pornography are unhappy even if they look happy and that they’re often suffering trauma from previous abuse and are very vulnerable.

Talk about how the more you watch pornography, the easier it is to start getting turned on by violence and things that hurt. High, frequent consumption of pornography can also lead to some blunting of sexual feelings and there is a risk that natural patterns of arousal may be bypassed. In an interview in Expressen, the association SNAF – Sexualkunskapen Ni Aldrig Fick states that “strangulation sex has become the new normal”. Feel free to read the article and talk about its contents with your teenager. Unga Relationer also highlights “strangulation sex” in witness statements in its Ettårsrapport from 2020. Boys also state, in the Unga Relationer report and elsewhere, that they get their inspiration from pornography and want to try out what they see on a girl, or a guy in same-sex relationships. Talk about the fact that some guys think that sex should be the way it is in pornography, about peer pressure and the fact that it’s easy to think that your all friends are also doing the things they do in pornography. It can lead to a person committing abuse – without realising that it is abuse.

Research shows that girls in mainstream pornography often appear to react either positively or neutrally to the acts they are subjected to (Genväg till forskning nr 14 Pornografi och unga.[Pornografi and young people] Västra Götalandsregionen, 2021). In mainstream pornography, girls are often subjected to degradation or pain, such as being urinated on, or aggressive anal penetration without any preparation. It can therefore be easy to believe that all girls like to take part in what you see in pornography. E.g. Pornhub has a “like” function during the videos that often shows that a large majority of viewers like the porn videos even when the content is violent, degrading and doesn’t show consent, which helps to normalise the content. Adults must make it clear that it’s important to have consent, mutual feelings, tenderness, closeness in sex and relationships and to be caring and responsive.

Being curious about sex and experiencing lust is healthy and natural and is a wonderful feeling. Adults have the important task of guiding teenagers with regard to consent, responsiveness and the beautiful aspects of sex in healthy relationships, as a counterweight to what is often shown in pornography. Then, it’s easier for them to sense when something’s wrong or when they’re about to cross someone’s boundaries or when someone is crossing their boundaries.

ThThe most important thing to convey to young people is that sex should always feel good for everyone involved – before, during and after. In body and soul! Sex should always be positive, pleasurable and wonderful for everyone involved and should be based on consent obtained before each part of a sexual act. You have a responsibility to listen to how the person you’re having sex with feels throughout the sex act. If you haven’t received a crystal clear YES signal before each part of a sexual act, you need to stop and find out what the other person wants and doesn’t want. Everyone’s pleasure is equally important. Your own pleasure should never be obtained at the expense of someone else’s or push someone over their personal limits. It’s a good thing to try things out yourself in order to find out what you like.

Be clear that your teenager does not have to put up with something he does not want to do, e.g. something that the partner has seen in porn and wants to try, for fear of not being liked or considered "boring".

It’s important to address the different reactions that pornography can give rise to. Such as the fact that you can get turned on, become wet and get an erection from seeing other people in sexual situations – regardless of whether or not you like what you see. Here it’s important to show understanding and safeguard the trust of anyone who dares to open up and talk about how it can feel.

Consent is rare, to say the least, in mainstream pornography. On the contrary, it often depicts the opposite. Ask your teenager how often they see someone asking for consent in pornography before initiating a sexual act. If you imitate what you see in an ordinary porn video on one of the major porn hubs, you risk committing a sexual assault, which is a criminal and punishable act

The basic principle of the Consent Act, which entered into force on 1 July 2018, is that sex should be consensual and if it’s not consensual, it’s illegal. Having sex with a person who hasn’t explicitly said yes or who doesn’t actively show that they want to take part is therefore prohibited. Tell your teenager that it’s always the person who initiates a sexual act who is responsible for obtaining consent – before every part of a sexual act. Therefore it’s not enough to get consent for oral sex, for example, if you then also initiate vaginal sex.

Consent means that anything that’s not a crystal clear yes is a no:

• "Wait" means no

• "I'm not sure" means no

• "Not now" means no

• "I have changed my mind" means no

• "Stop" means no

• "It hurts" means no

• No does not mean "persuade me"

• No simply means no.

A no can therefore be expressed in many different ways. Some are easier to understand, others might be more difficult. But anything that isn’t a crystal clear yes is a no! Body language can also be used to signal a no. If you are the slightest bit unsure, it’s important to stop and ask what the other person wants.

Talk to your teenager about what things might affect consent. How can power imbalances make someone say yes to a sexual act that they may not actually want? For example, if one person is in love but the other isn’t, if one is older, if one has a higher social status, is stronger and so on. How can fear, expectations and mental illness affect consent?

Can consent be bought? If someone offers money or a payment of some other kind for a sexual act, consent is removed. You could turn it around and ask whether everyone involved in a sexual situation would still want to be involved if you removed the payment.

Ask your teenager why they think extreme pornography is so common. For example, there is great demand for new forms of pornography that contain extreme acts such as allusions to incest. There’s a lot of money to be made in the pornography industry and it is driven by demand, just like many other industries. It’s common for people who watch pornography regularly to feel that they need to see more, and more hardcore, pornography to get the same kick as when they started watching.

It’s important to make it clear that it’s dangerous to obstruct your breathing in any way through “strangulation sex”, for example, because it can lead to psychological trauma, brain damage and death. A 16 year-old girl died of “strangulation sex” in Sweden in 2015 and there are several documented cases in other countries of girls dying from someone obstructing their breathing during sex.

Talk to your teenager about how much violence you can consent to. What is violence and where do we draw the line? Explain that many acts that you see in pornography can be traumatising for the person being subjected to them and can cause permanent physical and psychological damage.

Many of us who grew up before online pornography never heard the words “strangulation sex.” But in an interview in Expressen, a representative of the association SNAF – Sexualkunskapen Ni Aldrig Fick states that “strangulation sex has become the new normal”. Feel free to read the article and talk about its contents with your teenager. Unga Relationer also highlights “strangulation sex” in testimonies in Ettårsrapporten from 2020 and says that their reference group of young people thought that Unga Relationer’s poster on “strangulation sex” was the most important. Since “strangulation sex” is so common in pornography, it’s easy to think that this is how you “should” have sex and that “everyone” is doing it and everyone likes it. It’s easy to forget about the risks because it’s so common and normalised in pornography nowadays.

According to the Swedish National Council for Crime Prevention report "Våld i ungas parrelationer" [Violence in young people’s relationships with their partners] from 2021, 44% of girls aged 15-19 have been subjected to sexual violence in their relationships with their partners. Whether or not it’s deliberate, it can be a crime and must be taken very seriously, particularly by adults who are around teenagers. We always recommend reporting it to the police.

Talk to your teenager about how it can’t be taken for granted that your partner wants to have sex or wants to join in with various types of sexual act just because you're in a relationship. Consent is a perishable commodity that needs to be obtained from your partner before every part of a sexual act and it can never be taken for granted. If you’re responsive, it usually becomes easier as you get to know each other and each other’s bodies better. Also discuss with your teenager questions such as: What happens in a relationship when one partner consumes a lot of pornography and wants to try out things they’ve seen in pornography but the other partner doesn't want to?

We highly recommend consulting a girls’ or young people’s on-call service at unizonjourer.se if anyone needs help and support. Anyone who is subjected to abuse in a relationship, who subjects someone else to abuse or is worried about a friend can get help at ungarelationer.se .

Talk to your teenager about norms, stereotypes and macho culture in mainstream pornography. How do you think you can be affected by the fact that in pornography, men are often aggressive towards girls, take what they want without asking, resort to violence and degradation and that the girls who are subjected to it often react in a neutral or positive way? What are the possible effects of the fact that in pornography, bodies often look similar, with a lot of the men having large penises and maintaining erections for a long time and the girls often having implants and having no body hair? How does it affect how sex is portrayed in pornography when there are seldom any kisses, caresses, tenderness, loving words or consent?

There are millions of pornographic videos with many different variations of pornography showing different types of bodies. But in mainstream pornography, the bodies represented are mainly fairly stereotypical. Talk about it with your teenager and ask whether they think that it might affect the person watching. For example, a lot of the women have reduced their labia and enlarged their breasts, lips and buttocks and the men often have large penises. It can affect the norm of how a body “should” look. A visit to the swimming baths, where you can clearly see that bodies can look different, is a good reality check.

There is often racism in pornography in a way that would be unthinkable in most other contexts. For example, many porn sites allow you to choose which people you want to watch based on race. Porn videos are often divided into categories such as "Japanese", "Arab" and "Indian" etc. 

The porn industry also often sexualizes tragedies in society. For example, BLM (Black Lives Matter) porn, refugee porn and corona porn were created in connection with each tragedy.

Porn racism, like other porn genres, is often completely uncommented on by the adult world and children are left alone with their impressions. What children can see, however, is the normalizing like button on e.g. "Bound naked young Oriental slave on her knees taught how to suck cock" listed on Pornhub, 1 January 2023, 72% likes. Read more about porn racism here.

Ask the teenager what terms and words they know that are used for different ethnicities. How does the teenager define them? What are the different kinds of charges and values they have, etc.

Raise the question that the women in porn movies often seem to enjoy it, do they really? How does it make you feel, or not feel?

Be clear with your teenager that you cannot treat people differently based on their appearance and how it can hurt and harm.

It is important to understand the prevalence of incest-themed porn and categories where the girls are supposed to be young teenagers or even younger children on the major mainstream porn sites, such as the "Teen" and "Barely Legal" categories.

Assume that the teenager you are talking to may have seen this type of porn many times. It is very normalized and is also reflected in popular culture outside of porn sites. Many teenagers don't find this type of porn particularly strange and make jokes such as "MILF", Mother I Like to Fuck or "DILF", Daddy I Like to Fuck and "Daddy". It is often part of everyday language among teenagers. 



Ask if the teenager thinks the terms are common e.g. in school, among friends and generally on social media? Talk about it, about how the terms "MILF" & "DILF" have become so common and ask what the teenager thinks about it. Ask open questions about the sexualization of children in social media and popular culture. Emphasize in a calm but clear way that it is wrong and illegal for adults to take a sexual interest in children, regardless of whether it is normalized in pornography.

Be clear that it is wrong, illegal and harmful for adults to engage in sexual activity with minors, to ask them to engage in sexual activity with themselves or others, and that this always applies both online and offline.

Talk about the naturalness of teenagers developing their own sexuality and curiosity about sex. Emphasize that teenagers should be allowed to define their own sexuality in their own time without pressure from anyone else and that non-consensual sex with minors or family members shown in pornography would be illegal and harmful in reality.

Adults need to counteract the normalization of pornography to increase the resilience of children and teenagers to the advances of, for example, a football coach or a family member. We need to emphasize that it is not "normal" but on the contrary is illegal.

The goal, as always, is to get the teenager to twist and turn the topic together, asking questions and helping them to think critically about norms, trends and pornography.


Ask if they have seen adults making sexual invitations, groping or talking to minors in a sexual way? If this is something the teenager has noticed happening to other friends or has been exposed to it themselves, how do they feel? Make it clear that you are standing firmly by the teenager's side if they have been victimized and that you want to help. Actively address any guilt or shame that teenagers can sometimes direct at themselves and make it clear that adults are always responsible for their own actions, not least sexual actions. 

Tell them that you are happy to help if something has happened that is illegal and should be reported. Remind them again that it is always illegal for adults to engage in sexual activity with minors - both online and offline. Also make it clear that it is wrong and illegal for a young person over 18 to engage in sexual activity with a minor, such as a cousin, older brother, or older brother's friend. We always recommend reporting.

If you need to talk to a professional, help is available from the school counselor, girl and youth shelters at roks.se and unizon.se via their local and digital hotlines and chats, e.g. ungarelationer.se.

The most important thing is to show that your teenager can trust you, that you will not judge or get angry and that you will continue to listen no matter what they tell you. It is very important for them to understand that there is help available that will maintain their confidence in telling you. Especially if they have been exposed or exposed someone else.

Whether they have been visually exposed to incest porn, physically exposed, or if they themselves have exposed or feel turned on by people under 14 or incest porn, help the teenager to seek professional help, such as a school counselor or psychologist. 

Ask your teenager whether they think that it’s common for a man to maintain an erection for as long as they normally do in pornography. A lot of guys and girls feel pressure to perform in the way actors normally perform in pornography in terms of enduring pain and maintaining an erection for a long time. It’s important to state that a lot of the girls need to take painkillers and drugs to be able to shoot a porn video and a lot of the men take potency drugs such as Viagra.

Show as much curiosity about and interest in what your teenager is doing online as you do in what they do off-line. Their online existence is just as real and just as important to them as their off-line existence. Bear in mind that your teenager will talk to you about the things you talk to them about. So if you don’t bring up topics like social media, sex and pornography, they probably won’t bring them up either.

Ask whether your teenager wants to show you things they think are fun online and learn about apps and games. Ask whether they want to play their favourite game with you. Showing interest is an important way of building up trust and gaining insight, both online and offline.

Nowadays, it’s common for guys in particular to send unwanted so-called “dickpics” to girls and nag or pressure girls to send nude pictures or nude videos, so-called “nudes”, to the guy. Make it clear to your teenager that they must never nag or pressure anyone to send nude pictures and they must never send “dickpics” to anyone unless the recipient has consented to receive the picture. Tell them that sending nude pictures without consent and pressuring someone to send them could be a crime.

Remind them that you never have to send nude pictures just because someone nags you to do it. Also talk about the risks of sending "nudes" to other people, even to someone they know. As well as the fact that you lose control of pictures and videos once they’ve been sent and they can easily be spread on the internet and remain there forever. Also remind your teenager of the risk that someone else could forward nude pictures that are on your teenager’s phone, for example if they lend it to someone at school.

Nude pictures and videos of minors end up on porn sites and it can be very difficult to get them taken down and they can also be uploaded again.

Minors can get help to try and take down nude pictures that have been spread online at dittecpat.se.

Remind your teenager that it can be difficult to know who a person behind an online account really is. You can recommend a short film called “Jag tror att jag är lite kär i dig” [I think I’m a bit in love with you] on YouTube on the subject of grooming. The film is recommended from the age of 11. Watch it yourself before you recommend it.

Tell you’re teenager that you’ll never get angry if they’ve been subjected to abuse. Say that you’ll always help and support them. Listen to your teen and unburden them of any feelings of guilt or shame. Get professional help if you need it, e.g. from a school counsellor.

You can read more about nude pictures and grooming and get more advice on the Swedish Police website. If you suspect that a sexual offence has been committed against a child online, it must be reported to the police.

It’s a good thing to be aware of OnlyFans, which is a large social media that experienced rapid growth during the pandemic.

It’s common for young girls to sell nude pictures and home-made pornography featuring themselves.

Unfortunately, OnlyFans has shortcomings in its age verification for people creating accounts in order to watch and for people taking part in the material.

Talk to your teenager about why some people, including minors in some cases, start selling nude content and what the consequences of that might be.

Be sure to be responsive and be careful to maintain the teenager’s trust in the conversation and never shame or blame.

We highly recommend consulting a girls’ or young people’s on-call service at unizonjourer.se if anyone needs help and support. There is a documentary about OnlyFans entitled “Pornfluencers” on SVT Play which highlights different perspectives.

Twitter, which has an age limit of 13, has no restrictions on pornographic content. It is completely unrestricted on the platform. However, there are restrictions on many other social media platforms, e.g. Instagram and Tiktok.

But, just like other commercial companies, the pornography industry also uses social media, such as Snapchat and Instagram, to market itself, generate curiosity and build its fanbase. Porn sites and people who take part in pornography, or “creators” as they are called on OnlyFans, have their own social media accounts, often with millions of followers. On Instagram for example, it’s possible to link directly to an account on OnlyFans or to porn sites such as Pornhub via Linktree, among others.

Ask your teenager whether they’ve have seen it and talk about the fact that, for example, OnlyFans is allowed to have their own account on Instagram and their “creators” can link from their Instagram accounts directly to their OnlyFans accounts and why they think this is allowed? Could it normalise creating an OnlyFans account and starting to sell your own pornography?